Friday, 14 September 2012

Warning !

Last week I went shopping and bought some celery. Its okay, I’m not a celery-holic or anything like that; it was just a routine purchase.

On the back of the pack was a helpful Allergy Information Warning, which read “Contains Celery”.

Now, I’m all for providing valid information to those unfortunates in society who need reminding that their coffee may be hot, or those products with nuts in them may contain nuts, but this is surely taking the piss. What else could celery possibly contain?

I think warnings like these are missing a trick here. It’s not what is blindingly obvious we need to be told but the hidden less obvious consequences. Such as

“Using this condom incorrectly may result in at least 16 years of parental responsibility costing approx £200,000, two and a half years of very little sleep, projectile vomit on your once prized designer shirt and will change your sexy, vivacious, horny partner into a rabid foaming at the mouth, frigid wreck who will consequently blame you for everything for the rest of your life.”

“You may have used this scalpel sharp; five bladed razor successfully for the last three weeks without incident, but you will slash yourself deeply before today’s job interview/important meeting/wedding and spend the rest of the morning with half a toilet roll stuck to your lower chin”

“Monopoly may result in one player taking everything far too seriously, following the rules to the letter and tipping the board upside down in an explosion of rage prior to screaming they hate you and filing for divorce (especially on Christmas day after a glass of wine) Play responsibly”

“While this automobile has been provided with indicators on each corner to assist other road users in understanding your intended direction at roundabouts, if you are a spotty face jumped up young executive and choose not to use them, you may be bludgeoned to death in a road rage incident”

“While Sky Bet claims to be a fair gambling organisation, you will at one point have pocket aces, throw all your money in the pot only to lose to someone who wins the hand with three 2’s following the River Card miraculously favouring the other player. Either that or you will be surprised to learn that 11 even numbers will come out in a row, thus defying probability when you have just doubled your stake repeatedly on the appearance of an odd number in Roulette”
I think if I had known all of these things, my week may have been a little easier.
What helpful warnings would have assisted you?


  1. Laughing so hard at these, especially the Monopoly one...
    How about; Twitter may seem like a harmless pastime that will help you keep up to date with the news and your favourite celebrities, but beware that its addictive properties are stronger than crack cocaine and "just quickly checking" will ensure you fall down the stairs on a regular basis.

    1. Yes, Good one!!! I've lost count of the number of times I have almost flooded the bathroom while on facebook/Twitter too ;-)