On the back of the pack was a helpful Allergy Information
Warning, which read “Contains Celery”.
Now, I’m all for providing valid information to those
unfortunates in society who need reminding that their coffee may be hot, or those
products with nuts in them may contain nuts, but this is surely taking the
piss. What else could celery possibly contain?
I think warnings like these are missing a trick here. It’s
not what is blindingly obvious we need to be told but the hidden less obvious
consequences. Such as
“Using this condom incorrectly may result in at least 16
years of parental responsibility costing approx £200,000, two and a half years
of very little sleep, projectile vomit on your once prized designer shirt and
will change your sexy, vivacious, horny partner into a rabid foaming at the
mouth, frigid wreck who will consequently blame you for everything for the rest
of your life.”
“You may have used this scalpel sharp; five bladed razor successfully for the last three weeks without incident, but you will slash yourself deeply before today’s job interview/important meeting/wedding and spend the rest of the morning with half a toilet roll stuck to your lower chin”
“Monopoly may result in one player taking everything far too
seriously, following the rules to the letter and tipping the board upside down
in an explosion of rage prior to screaming they hate you and filing for divorce
(especially on Christmas day after a glass of wine) Play responsibly”
“While this automobile has been provided with indicators on
each corner to assist other road users in understanding your intended direction
at roundabouts, if you are a spotty face jumped up young executive and choose
not to use them, you may be bludgeoned to death in a road rage incident”
“While Sky Bet claims to be a fair gambling organisation,
you will at one point have pocket aces, throw all your money in the pot only to
lose to someone who wins the hand with three 2’s following the River Card
miraculously favouring the other player. Either that or you will be surprised
to learn that 11 even numbers will come out in a row, thus defying probability
when you have just doubled your stake repeatedly on the appearance of an odd
number in Roulette”
I think if I had known all of these things, my week may have
been a little easier.
What helpful warnings would have assisted you?
Laughing so hard at these, especially the Monopoly one...
ReplyDeleteHow about; Twitter may seem like a harmless pastime that will help you keep up to date with the news and your favourite celebrities, but beware that its addictive properties are stronger than crack cocaine and "just quickly checking" will ensure you fall down the stairs on a regular basis.
Yes, Good one!!! I've lost count of the number of times I have almost flooded the bathroom while on facebook/Twitter too ;-)
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