Monday, 11 March 2013


Isn’t it nice to see some daylight at the start and end of the day!
I can emerge from my grumpy, vitamin D lacking winter hibernation and look forward to another glorious summer….. Can’t I?

Last year’s blind optimism ended pretty quickly when after a couple of unseasonal high temperature weekends in March….it then rained for about five months solid.
I had no sooner dusted off my Barbeque, shorts and straw trilby and the cats and dogs started falling out of the sky. My garden was ruined, although to be fair that wasn’t actually helped by the real dog using my beautiful lawn as a toilet.

In fact the place now looks like a quagmire where acidic puppy pee killed spots of grass which have turned into clumps of mud and now have the churned appearance of a ploughed field. No thanks in part to her hundred miles per hour running round and round in circles, with cartoon slipping feet when she is told to “come here” and consistently disobeys every command. It really is only a matter of time before I resort to rugby tackling her. However, I suspect this would end up with me face down in the mud and the dog triumphantly doing another lap of honour while barking the doggy version of “one nil to the Labrador”

In other news, my Pet Insurance, Car Insurance and House Insurance have all increased to the point where I must be single handily funding the industry recovery. Combined with life insurance, health insurance and gas boiler insurance I was beginning to wonder if there could possibly be any more insurance out there. ……Then I got our travel insurance renewal form through along with the AA breakdown insurance.

On the subject of increased payments – my electricity direct debit just went up to £80 a month. It is incredible. I swear to god it was £19.50 in 2003. I’m not even joking – and yes I do have copies of every previous bill from 1994 onwards. You never know when you’ll need them. In fact I might start burning them to save some electricity of an evening. What could go wrong? – I’ve got house insurance anyway, right?

It did also get me thinking about renewable energy. If only I could harness the raw power of Labrador! I’m thinking giant size hamster wheel with a bone on a piece of string just out of reach. Hook it all up to a drive wheel and I could sell megawatts back to the national grid. (I’ve checked my Pet insurance – there is nothing to say this isn’t covered)

My idea could be franchised. Households up and down the country, nay….the world could benefit from my ingenuity. Hang on; my wife’s just said she’ll kill me if I even think about it. I think she’s also just checked my Life Insurance policy.

Ah, now there’s an idea – why doesn’t someone market Divorce Insurance?

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Poetic Interlude

I blog about my family and how much life can suck,
I poke fun at myself and how I’m such a schmuck,
I daydream of escaping and that sometimes gives me hope,
I blame the stress of parenting (start of the slippery slope)

Not getting any younger, but convinced I’m still a looker,
I strut my stuff in Asda like a middle-aged old hooker,
Catching the eye of the checkout girls, they get my full attention
The problem is they’re far too young, or heading for their pension.

Except the girl in the bakery, who always has a laugh
She’s got great buns and perfect baps and a whole loaf or a half.
Of course I am a married man and wouldn’t dream of cheating,
Besides my wife has a rolling pin for flirty husband beating.

I don’t get out much these days, there’s no escape for me
Except to walk the bloody dog as soon as I’ve had my tea
It’s always cold and miserable and usually it’s raining,
We have a dog who misbehaves, despite its blooming training.

I guess it’s just delinquency or perhaps a bit resistant
So fits right in to our bizarre dysfunctional existence.
With ASD and OCD and other weird afflictions
Specialist schools, psychologists and enforced life restrictions

We struggle on from day to day despite strange looks from others
The judgemental masses, ignorant or plain rude mother f***ers
Yes, we are the ones whose child is kicking out and screaming
I’m sorry if this affects your life so perfect and so gleaming

You see our son has Autism and thinks in different ways
Changes and sensory overload bother him most days
A meltdown means that he has reached a point of no return
He’s not misbehaving, naughty or kicking off for fun
Family life is stressful for everyone at times,
It can seem like a sentence worse than that for crimes
Take solace with some laughter and see the funny side
And a healthy doze of wine or rum helps to stem the tide