The Alternative Zodiac

The signs of the zodiac have been around for many moons, however do they really provide an up to date representation of each star sign?
 

First off, I am a man of science and do not follow astrology in the mind bendingly dumb sense of belief that everyone on this planet with a similar birthday will all meet a tall dark stranger, get a new job or come onto money on the same day. That’s just absurd. Having said that I once pinned my stars from the newspaper on my wall at work as they said “Those around you underestimate your true value to the world of business and commerce, consider taking your talents elsewhere” which I felt was apt and used as a continuous motivator to myself and my arse of a boss.

Ok, so what can we update? I will start with Taurus. Everyone knows some stubborn, lazy, self-indulgent Taurean, don’t they? The Bull may be quite appropriate with this regard, however from now on I declare “The John McCrirrick” should represent the sign of Taurus.

Moving swiftly on to the Gemini’s of this world. Superficial, devious and indecisive. You know who you are and shall have your Twins identity removed and updated with “The Two Faces”. Cause you are and you know it!

Moody, over-sensitive Cancerians everywhere, I bet you can’t wait to get rid of The Crab. Its bad enough having to say the “C” word let alone being represented by a snippy little creature that doubles as a sexually transmitted infestation. You shall go forth with glory and be represented by “The Sulky Teenager”.

Leo’s have always had a good thing with the king of the jungle, and that’s kind of how most of the pretentious, domineering folks behave. Henceforth they shall keep their mane and be rewarded with the new identity of “The Redfoo” (he’s the front man of LMFAO in case you are wondering)

Virgo’s of the world, hmmm a tough one. You are interfering,

cold (explains the Virgin representation), fussy and hence you shall now be known to me as “The Spinster”. Well if you weren’t so cold and unwelcoming you wouldn’t have been left on the shelf now would you.

Despite being represented by the scales, Libra’s are indecisive and unreliable, and must therefore (as much as it pains me) be deemed “The Man”. I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

However, Scorpio’s jealous, suspicious and manipulative nature can only mean they are of course without any doubt “The Woman”.

Sagittarians. Pushy, tactless, blunt and prone to exaggeration must hereby lay down their bows and be known as “The American”. Sorry if this upsets my cross Atlantic readers, but it’s kind of true mostly ;-)

As for all the Capricorn inhibited, distrusting, dictators out there, well you can kiss goodbye to the goat and welcome your new identity of “The Traffic Warden” (or Little Hitler if you prefer). Ooh, you like to be in charge and have things done your way, don’t you?

Aquarians with their sarcastic, unemotional aloofness shall forthwith be known as “The Dr House”. Lets face it your cutting, dry sense of humour may be superior to the other cretins around you, but you’re probably the only one laughing.

Piscean over sensitive, self-pitying wallowers can only be “The Celebrity Rehab”. I just want to say one more thing…. “GET A GRIP OF YOURSELVES”. It had to be said, you’ll thank me for it in the long run.

Aries by nature moody, impulsive and short-tempered shall be represented by “The Firework”, as they are ready to go off at any time. Keep your powder dry folks you don’t have to blow up at everything.

Ok that’s done it. I must have alienated everyone in the world now by choosing the worst traits that some of these star signs have….but none of you believe in that nonsense anyway, right ?

Tongue firmly in cheek.